I LOVE YOU. WHO ARE YOU?

“She’s the sweetest girl I’ve ever met!” His eyes shone with some combination of adoration and stupefaction. “Who exactly are you talking about?” she asked him. “My love, my angel, my savior!” He seemed to be drooling a little. “Oh brother, you’ve got it bad!” she laughed as she shook her head. 

“I don’t know who you are anymore!” she was loud! It wasn’t the first time he’d heard that. It wasn’t the first time he’d said that, either. So much had changed in so little time. “Is it possible that we are the same couple that we were? What, exactly has happened here?”

You think you know someone until they slip a knife between your ribs. Suddenly, your perfect lover is looking at you like a stranger, and not in a good way. There is hatred in those eyes that held such adoration. The script has flipped and you’re not equipped. 

What is the explanation for this sudden change, this Jekyll and Hyde routine? We have to start with the understanding that relationships change. I know, that isn’t necessarily good news, but it is the fact. Let’s look at the evolution of relationship and how it might change behaviors and choices: 

1. Identification: The honeymoon stage (isn’t it great that we both love Thai food and Anime’?)
2. Differentiation: The suspicion stage (Hey, what about me and my life?)
3. Assimilation: The acceptance stage (Ok, there’s an us, but I don’t know what to do about it.)
4. Integration: The commitment stage (There might be some use for this relationship in my life.)
5. Creation: The building stage (Let’s just see what we can create together in the world!)

Each stage has a different emotional makeup. Be prepared to meet a new and confusing person at each stage. That sweet, generous, thoughtful soul you fell for is being replaced by a self-absorbed, picky character that is definitely crowding you. Reasonably, you are not at all sure about this. 

These different permutations will, in turn, call forth a different you at each turn. You may begin to regret your promises and your gifts. You committed too soon and gave too much! But wait! While you are busy trying to reconcile these two characters you’ve met so far, in comes a third player; more level-headed, less reactive, and perhaps less exciting, but certainly less annoying than the previous two. At this point, at least one or two friends are advising you to bail, and your parents are not at all sure they like him. You may begin to feel that you’ve sold yourself out.

If you have the patience and fortitude to endure these changes while your head is spinning in this washing machine of personalities (that may entertain you for up to a year or two), yet another version of your ‘lover’ begins to emerge. Will this one have fangs? Three eyes? An evil streak and a tendency toward cruelty? It seems as though he is bringing back the affection. He even seems to have rediscovered his sense of humor and good will. After all of these changes, it seems almost counter-intuitive to trust that it’s safe, but you’ve bought your ticket for the ‘love lottery’, and curiosity alone is keeping you in it. After all, you’ve invested a lot of time and endured much disappointment to see some kind of outcome. 

If you manage to keep your powder dry, to not shoot, you may be pleasantly surprised. A more mature, wiser and more manageable ‘honeymoon’ boy may be making his appearance. The good will comes back, and you find yourself beginning to dream again. Against all odds, it feels like love again. This stage is the reward you may get for your patience and your endurance. You’ve managed to keep a glimmer of hope and a spark of trust through all of these transitions, to find that, lo and behold, you two do want the same things! You are both ready to build and dream and share, and you’ve earned it. 

In order to make this journey, you need to know that it is a journey, an evolution. Love is not for the faint-hearted. It is a struggle against our worst instincts and a real commitment to uncovering the value that is there. Let your memory be short and your patience be long, as you fight for the love that you want. 

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